Here's the sketch I wrote for Sketch Comedy Night (TAC) Feb 12 in the Walker. Btw, this was inspired by a One Act I saw a couple years ago at my school...
Groundhog Date
A table stands stage center right with two chairs, glasses, centerpiece, and other accoutrements. A man and women sit facing each other and ignoring the audience’s presence. The Narrator walks downstage center left and addresses the audience.
Narrator: This is a sketch about those moments when you know a relationship isn’t going to work out. Sometimes, it can be hard to tell a person you see no future with them- (looks to couple)
Julie: (apologetically) Look Dale I know it’s been a rough week for you, losing your job and then having Mr. Smoopsiekins die… and I know it’s your birthday… but I really think we should see other people.
Dale smacks head to table and sits there
Narrator: While other times it’s the easiest thing you’ve ever done.
Dale: (finishing a rant) and then our glorious Fuehrer will rise once more to lead the Aryan nation in its holy campaign to purify our noble race! (ends by standing on chair)
Julie: …I’m Jewish.
Narrator: Sometimes it happens- (looks over at Dale who’s still standing, motions to him) *Insert Actor’s name! Sit down (Dale sits dejected, Narrator turns back to audience) As I was saying, sometimes it happens early on in your acquaintance, like the first date-
Julie: So, this is a nice place.
Dale: (grabs Julie’s hand, passionately) I love you!
Julie: (shocked and confused) …oh…kay…
Narrator: or it can take years before you realize the mistake you’ve made.
Dale and Julie sign cross and kneel in front of table facing audience
Dale: I do!
Julie: (looks sideways at Dale then forward again) I… don’t.
They go back to table.
Narrator: Tonight is an experiment in “What if.” What if every time a person found something they didn’t like in their date they could simply hit a bell (hits bell) and have them redo whatever just happened a different way? That’s the aim of tonight’s program. (walks over an places bell on table between couple, to both couple and audience) Enjoy.
Dale walks off after Narrator just to walk right back on again. Stops stage left.
Dale: Okay, okay Mike you can do this. You’re about to enter the danger-zone. Are you scared? No, of course you’re not scared! You’re the tiger, no the Dragon! Go in there n give that girl exactly-(narrator walks on with bad mini-stash and a towel over his arm) oh hello…
Waiter: (in a bad French accent) Is there anything I can help you with, sir?
Dale: Oh, um, yes. I’m here for Wilson, party of two.
Waiter: Ah yes, right this way. I believe your young lady friend has beaten you here. Here is your table.
Julie:: (stands) Hi, I’m Julie.
Dale: Mike. (shake hands and they sit down and an awkward silence ensues) So, Kate tells me you work in sales.
Julie: Yes, I work for a small yarn producer. We supply all the biggest craft stores like JoAnn Fabrics, Marshall’s, and – well that’s actually about it.
Dale: (unimpressed) impressive. I’m a build engineer at a software Daleufacturing company.
Julie: Oh, what does that encompass?
Dale: mostly just writing and checking code… it’s pretty boring actually.
Waiter comes back.
Waiter: Are you ready to order.
Dale: (without looking at girl) yes. I’ll have the 12oz. New York strip steak with the mashed potatoes and asparagus. (hands back menu)
Julie: (looking over menu quickly) I’ll just have the vegetarian special.
Waiter: (taking menus) very good Madame. Exit stage right
Dale: so… you’re a vegetarian…
Julie: (smiles) guilty as charged.
Dale: you know who else was a vegetarian? Hitler.
Julie: (take aback) what?
Dale: eat meat!
Julie slams bell
Dale: So, you’re a vegetarian
Julie: (surprised the bell actually worked) yes…
Dale: is that a matter of principle?
Julie: yes, I believe the killing of any innocent creature for food is cruel.
Dale: (to stage right) waiter!
Waiter walks onstage a few steps
Waiter: yes Messier?
Dale: I’ll change my order to the vegetarian special also.
Waiter: very well. Exits
Dale: I didn’t want to force you to watch my cruelty.
Julie: how sweet. (starts getting worked up)
Dale: …it’s really nothing.
Julie: (starting to cry) that’s the sweetest thing anyone’s done for me!
Dale hits bell
Julie: (normally) how sweet.
Waiter comes back with two plates of food
Julie: Oh sir, could I also get a soda?
Dale: (under breath) pop
Julie: (turns to him) soda.
Dale: pop
Julie: soda!
Dale: pop! (hits bell)
Julie: pop.
Waiter: yes what kind?
Julie: make it a coke.
Waiter: It’ll be right out. Exits
Julie: so, what do you do here in Erie?
Dale: I’m a cab driver. (bell) I’m a greeter at wallmart. (bell) I’m a bus boy, actually I work at this restaurant. (bell) I’m not at liberty to discuss that… (bell) I’m a Police and Safety Officer at Mercyhurst College (bell) The mob? (bell) I’m a teacher.
Julie: (to self) finally! (louder) oh really, what do you teach?
Dale: U.S. History.
Julie: Oh, that was my favorite subject.
Dale: really?
Julie: no. (bell) yes!
Dale: Random fact: did you know that T.R. wrestled a bear? That’s right, I just dropped some knowledge on you. (Julie stares at him) I dropped it like it’s hot! (he starts dancing, bell) yes, I love it too. What do you do?
Julie: I’m a veterinarian.
Dale: woah! Well I’d like to vet… your so… I bet… (peters off)
Julie: Were you going somewhere with that?
Dale:…something about doggy style (bell)
Julie: so, I think I’m actually gonna stick to women (bell)
Dale: Is that a mirror in your pocket? (bell)
Julie: I want five kids! (bell)
Dale: I have a foot fetish (bell)
Julie: I have a disease… (bell)
Dale: I’m actually married (bell)
Julie: I like posters of babies dressed as grownups (bell)
Dale: I like big butts and I cannot lie you- (bell)
Julie: I was on Legends of the Hidden Temple and couldn’t put the silver monkey together…
Dale: (squints eyes and shakes head, hit bell)
Julie: I have ten cats! (bell)
Dale: I hate The Office (bell)
Julie: I used to be a man…
Dale: (reaches for bell, hesitates, then shrugs) I guess I can live with that.
Exeunt
